am having one of those unsettling times. The confusion that comes with strong emotions. Is it the disorder or something real? It is like having a constant identity crisis. I’ve learned not to trust my first instincts when it comes with feelings. Even if this causes me harm. I still find that preferable to upsetting another person. Over the years, I’ve reduced my emotional impulsivity.
It is enough to deal with my emotional self. Maybe I’m too concerned for others. I just feel that opening up to the wrong people has caused me some damage. That it wasn’t worth it in the end. I’m more on guard than I used to be. It has saved me some heartache and peace of mind.
I’ve learned that most people don’t know how to handle my emotional self. I mask my emotions to not upset people. Sometimes I will show them if I need people to know something specific for my own safety or the safety of others. I’d rather not show how I feel except to a small few who don’t judge me. It is hard to know who to trust.
In moments like this where I fumble with self-doubt, I turn to music to help manage my mood. I have specific playlists that provide me with calm and uplift my spirit. It is the best antidote to troubling feelings and offers me a way to express myself with other people’s words.
Mixtapes are alright
I was always fond of mixtape culture. Making a mix for a person was always a special treat. I agree with Rob in High Fidelity that there are a lot of rules. Right now, I manage a playlist on Spotify that covers songs with numbers and mathematical references. Named for a Broken Social Scene song called “Love and Mathematics.”
I’m working on a second playlist with physics references. It’s surprising how common terms like “Gravity” come up in music. It allowed me to add a My Chemical Romance song. I’m adding Nilsson because I can with “Spaceman.” It is coming along nicely but I’m not ready to make it public yet.
I’ve started a music blog at Suzza.netto explore some of my favorite music. During the week there is a song that I listen to more than others. It is that song that will become my jam of the week. There used to be a website for this but it is now defunct. I miss the community there. My profile still exists!
What I want you to know
I’m doing okay right now with my moods. I can manage them enough with some small pockets of sadness. When I get down, I turn to music to lighten the mood. Sometimes, I use it as white noise to sleep at night when I’m feeling overwhelmed by thoughts.